To: cmccollum@hjnews.com (Managing Editor of Herald Journal)
Subject: Balancing Your Finances Made Easy
Dear Charles McCollum,
My name is Derek Barton, representative of Cache Valley Area Investors Association (CVAIA). We would like an article written in the Herald Journal about our innovating and educational organization.
Preston Parker, President of CVAIA, has put together a series of meeting every other Thursday where people can go and study how to be financially independent. His goal is to educate people in there financial decisions. Topics of discussion vary on what the public really want to know. Whether it is understanding earned income vs. salary income or positive income and investments, Parker can deliver all the answers.
People can come and improve their understanding of how to invest and use their money wisely. Meetings are held at the Cache Camber of Commerce. Parker shows the opportunities that can be taken to make dreams into realities. To join this group is free of charge. Interested participants can go on the Web at Cachecvaia.com and follow the simple steps of membership.
For further information about Cache Valley Area Investors Association please contact Public relations representative, Derek Barton 323-384-0900. I would be able to set up a time for an interview with either myself or with Parker.
Sincerely,
Derek Barton
PR Representative
160 N Main St.
Logan, UT 84341
www.derekb.cachevaia@gmail.com
www.cvaia.com
3 comments:
Good job. It was written very formally--which isn't good or bad. You brought attention back to the most important facts.
I think that it was well written Derek. A little shorter and more concise would have been better. Maybe more details on what they talk about in meetings.
Re-write a better subject line. The focus is financial education and financial independence.
In AP Style, titles offset with commas are lowercased.
Proof read for minor grammar and spelling mistakes.
The comparison is earned income and passive income (not salary income).
Your email address is not properly formated.
The website is: www.cvaia.com
Make sure dates are in AP Style.
Avoid contractions.
AP Style is to put commas on both sides of years when they are written with a specific date.
Put the person's contact info right before the salutation in the beginning.
Nice to mention how this association relates not only to the person you are pitching to, but also to the readers. Making this connection explicit will help make your pitch more successful.
Put your contact info at the bottom after your name. Identify your relationship with the association.
The association is not free, the meetings are.
You would put a date at the beginning.
I would get some more of the lead elements near the beginning: meeting every other Thursday in the Cache County Chamber of Commerce at 7 p.m., anyone can attend and it's free of charge.
Also, have your call to action sentence at the end be a separate paragraph so it stands out.
Your last made up email is spelled wrong.
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